Relationship Problems? Hypnotherapy Can Improve Your Relationships
How To Maintain Healthy Beliefs That Nourish Your Relationships
During our addiction weekend in March, we discussed the causes of addiction, to read more please follow this Link.
Whilst there are many causes of addictions, in my experience attachment and relationships, appear to be a primary motivator. Whether it is the child's relationship with the parent or adult relationships, our species has a primary need and craves love, connection and a sense of attachment. We appear to desire a meaningful fulfilling relationship with those of importance to ourselves. However, our relationships can offer the greatest sense of achievement and our heaviest burden, our sadness and pain, our hope and joy.
In one of many existential moments, I have come to understand that relationships are of primary importance to myself and to those around me. Whilst there has been much research on this subject, I have noted a few basics below and would be interested to hear your views.
1. Maintaining A Healthy Mindset Is Key To Developing And Maintaining A Relationship.
Unfortunately there are times when we believe what we have learned from the past. Whilst our feelings can tell us that we are correct, we are capable of gaining beliefs from previous experiences that are toxic to our current and future relationships. Yes, we can learn to be wrong from previous experiences. Sustaining a relationship takes hard work, however, eradicating toxic learned beliefs is paramount to a successful relationship
2. We Cannot Always Have Our Own Way.
Yes, if everything goes our way, life would be easier for us. Ideally the sun would shine every day that we step out of bed and we could enjoy beautiful rainbows without rain.
However, we are going to make our relationships work, which means that we will need to consider our important others. Thinking that our opinion is the only consideration is a toxic belief. Yes, something might be right for us, that does not mean that this something is correct for our partner and the relationship. No one person can always be right, we cannot learn and grow when we are right, developing the ability to compromise allows space for our partner, whilst allowing us to be appreciated.
Polarised thinking, believing in right and wrong builds barriers to closeness. We are unlikely to find someone who is just like us, if we did it would be boring, a relationship requires stimulation. Views and beliefs are required to be different to be stimulating, although there might be times when these can be challenging.
3. Time Together Is Important
Dating your partner once you have moved in together is vitally important to your relationship, that's how you fell in love and dating is how to maintain the bond and love for each other. We keep what we make time for, we make time for what we prioritize, if we are not prioritizing our partner, sooner or later there will be tears.
4. Make The Time, Ensure The Energy And Motivation For Intimacy.
The physical needs of our partners cannot be ignored, these basic requirements are a priority, once these needs have been met they no longer remain a priority, ask Maslow. These personal needs are of vital importance to an individuals sense of wellbeing. When everything else is going wrong, a hug, a kiss, an embarrass, warmth and affection offers a psychological sanctuary.
A Kiss On The Lips, songs have been written, films have ended in the climax of a kiss, there is a volume of research related to the psychological reaction to kissing. Kissing is one of the most intimate things that we can share with our special other. Best advice to maintaining a relationship, make sure that you kiss your partner on the lips, every day.
5. Work Does Not Come First
Careers are important, we require money to live, however, going through the loss of a relationship will not help our career. Our employer can replace us if and when required, it will be our family that will support us during times of crisis. Prioritizing a career over loved ones often leads to failure.
6. Not Being Open Is Dishonest.
It is destructive to tell our partner something that isn’t true or to leave part of the truth out. The truth might be hard to hear, living a lie, being dishonest, teaches us not to trust each other. If we want to be believed and trusted we are required to be open and honest.
7. Trust Can Be Re-Established
After a period of time, we can start to understand the person that we idolize is not perfect. They were not born to be perfect or to answer our every need.
The person of our choice is a fallible human, we are unable to meet their every need and it is not their roll to meet ours. The person that you choose to be with will fail you many times, as you will fail them. It is our ability to rebuild this trust that makes the relationship stronger.
8. Our Happiness Is Our Responsibility
There will be times when we can say that our partner has made us unhappy.
The truth is, our feelings are our responsibility. It feels better when we can blame someone else, if it is their fault, we have someone to blame for our feelings without taking personal responsibility for them. When our relationships are not working, and there will be times when they are not, what are we going to do to make the relationship work. Working an issue through to a successful resolution, means that we have taken advantage of an opportunity to improve and strengthen the relationship, this is how we build resilience into our relationships.
The grass is greener where we nurture it.
9. What I Need Is More Important To Me
Some believe this to be true and cannot understand why their relationships do not work. This is a destructive belief, if we prioritise our needs over our partners or families needs we are being selfish. Overtly this is a narcissistic tendency. Our own needs are important, however, we need to balance priorites and often to place our loved and cared for first, for us to be happy.
10. If You Believe That Relationships Should Be Struggle Free, You Are Probably Thinking That Your Relationship Is Not Working.
The truth is, the difficult times bind our relationships together. Coming through a difficult time together strengthens the relationship whilst offering a sense of permanence, they help us to work together as a couple. Developing realistic expectations, understanding that there will be frustrations is essential to maintaining a relationship.
11. Communication Is Key
Ignoring our closest will not enhance our relationships, lack of communication eventually reduces the strength of the connection, as our important others find that connection elsewhere. Keeping our thoughts and feelings to ourselves only means that we will react, and usually regrettably. A change in communication style will result in a change within the relationship.
12. The Past Is Relevant To How We Feel In Our Current Relationship.
One of the dynamics of our current thoughts, feelings and behaviours is how we have responded and experienced past events. We all carry baggage, we need to be open enough to work this through. Whilst our previous experiences have helped to make us who we are, they do not have to predict who we will become, working these issues through will reduce the impact on our relationships.
13. Do Not Forget You
Who cares for the carer, caring for oneself is essential. You will be a better partner if you have looked after yourself. If anything, this can emphasis how we can care for others. We all take up and require space.
14. Friends And Family Time Is A Must.
So many people have helped you to be who you are today. Many have contributed to your development before you had your current relationship. These connections need to be maintained, at times as a couple and by yourself. We need to integrate partners into our world of family and friends, however, we are required to maintain our original relationships, they offer a sense of who we are and add to the dynamic of our current relationships.
15. Work At Keeping Your Thoughts Positive Regarding Relationships.
Over thinking, thinking things through on our own can be destructive. Negative thoughts about our partner and how our relationship is developing can be toxic, if we allow it to be. The problem is basic CBT, feelings follow our thoughts, it is so easy for our negative feelings to confirm our negative thoughts, we then believe our thoughts to be true. Talk it through with your partner before reacting, if this is how your partner feels, you might well be correct. If your partner looks surprised, you might just find that your mind has taken you to your fears and concerns. Changing our perspective and noticing what is working and supportive within our relationships can powerfully enhance the longevity of our relationships. Toxic thoughts and beliefs might affect you, however, you have the power to catch them before they cause damage, and manage yourself into a better future. Your past does not have to be you and your past does not have to dictate the quality of your relationships. Our fears and concerns are just that, fears and concerns, they are not reality, unless we make them so.
Put down that cake, you do not need another glass of wine, you have already been to the gym three times this week. It is time to talk to your partner, give them a hug, just like you, they have needs too.
I hope that you found this helpful, if I can be of help, please let me know.
Therapy is not to save us from uncomfortable feelings.
Life is stressful at times, therapy helps us to function in adversity.
Therapy is not about protecting us from every eventuality.
Therapy prepares us for life.
Therapy is not saving someone.
Therapy helps people to be stronger.
Therapy can build a sense of worth and personal resilience.
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